9 mm, broken wants & a folded flag

My birthday was just last week and I had one request, a new 9mm pistol.

Travis bought me a 9mm pistol for Christmas when I was pregnant with Jacob. He wanted me to have one that fit my hand and that he could teach me to shoot. The reason for this was not only his love for guns, but for me to have some sort of protection for myself and Jacob since he worked out of the state several months out of the year.

Well life events happened and when we separated he took the pistol with him until I could get a permanent safe for the gun so that Jacob could not get to it. We were never able to reach this day because God had other plans. When Travis passed my pistol was in his gun safe along with our original marriage license, and other possessions that I have yet to receive back.

I have asked for these things before....and nothing.

I really wanted a new one for my birthday, but it really would have meant the world to me to have mine. The one that Travis bought me. It was perfect. It fit in my hand the way that it should. I don't want just any old pistol, I want mine. The one that he searched for, the one he talked to my dad about, the one that he wanted me to have.

I guess I will have to give up on that dream and find another one. Just breaks my heart that now after almost two years later, we can't come to some kind of agreement and be civil so that I can get the things that actually mean something to me from that house. The things like my gun which was a gift, wedding pictures that I had framed for him as a gift on our wedding day, our original marriage certificate, the black box with all our letters to each other while he was deployed, our wedding rings. Stuff that I could give Jacob, that he would cherish as they are the only things that he has left. I am not asking for to steal all of Travis' precious possessions but there are things the had that truly meant the world to me that are left sitting in an empty house growing dust and God only knows what that could be showcased in my house where his son lives and given to him as he grows so that Jacob has memories and materials of his father.

All of which are just broken wants.... wants that will never be given. I just want to close this chapter of my life. I just want to really move on. I just want the items that mean the world to me that I know Jacob would cherish for many, many years.

Settling for a new 9mm pistol that is not the one Travis got me, will never safice, but.....neither will telling my son that we have nothing left of his father but a blanket, some ink stained cammies, pictures, a bunch of old stories.......and a folded flag.

One day Jacob will know all the stories about how I have fought to give him everything I could that symbolized his father and the happy memories we had as a family and before he was born, one day.

Until then......he will continue to be left with all that I can give him. Memories.