Happy Father's Day

Or, is it really happy?

Father's Day is another day of the year where I struggle with Travis being gone. Except on this day it is a different kind of struggle.

I struggle with the fact that he is physically gone and there is nothing I can do to bring him back, on a daily basis, for Jacob's sake. For some reason Father's Day strikes a different chord with me. Instead of being sad that he is gone, I get really mad about the time that he was here. All I heard about when we were planning Travis' funeral and for many days after was how he was such a wonderful dad. Now, don't get me wrong, I have no doubt in my mind that he had the potential to be a wonderful dad and that him and Jacob would have eventually been the best of friends. I also have no doubt in my mind that he loved Jacob with all his heart. However, being a wonderful dad is so much more than that to me. On days like Father's Day, when we honor great fathers, I struggle with these words.

Being a wonderful dad is more than story time and play time. More than making sure the infant child gets a bottle or a jar of baby food every 3-4 hours. More than a daily bath time and nap time. You see to me this is called parenting. You don't have to be great at it, you just do it because that is what you are suppose to do as parents. If this is all I did with Jacob would everyone think I was such a great mother, or would they just think I was doing what needed to be done to get by? It is more than having fun, being fun, laughing, and playing. Yes, those are all great things, but what about quality time, day in and day out time. Never missing a moment of your child's life? What about the care of your child's well being? What about your commitment to your child and their mother as husband and father? Do those things not make a man a great father? Or is being a great father in the eyes of so many just simply having FUN?

The reason for my anger on days like this is because I wished, begged, pleaded, and cried for Travis to be more involved in our lives before I filed to separate. I asked him to stay home. I asked him to never leave us again. I wanted him there for all Jacob's firsts, and he was not. It hurts my heart that he was taken from us when Jacob was only 13 months old, but it hurts my heart even more that I can tell Jacob more stories of the 4 years that he and I were together before Jacob, than can of stories of him and Jacob together. It also pains me that on days like Father's day all I can think about is how mad I would get when someone would say he was such a great dad. For you see to me being a great dad is SO, SO, much more than the time spent between him and Jacob.

Being a great dad is more than just saying you love your children, it is more than having fun. Or do I have being a great dad in my mind built up to be something more?

Is being a great dad leaving your wife and newborn baby at home 2-3 days a week all day/night while you go the Rangers game, even if you are going alone? Or how about leaving your wife and newborn baby when he was just 5 weeks old to head to another state for the next 6-7 months by choice? Is being a great dad only seeing your son one weekend a month for the first 8 months of his life, by choice? And then only really spending one day of that weekend with him? Clearly coming home on a Friday night long after he has gone to bed and leaving a Sunday morning before he wakes is not spending an weekend with him. Then from 9 months to 13 months, is being a great day spending 1 or 2 weekends a month with your child per court orders?  I guess those that really did see the interactions between you two from the time he was 9 months old until you were gone were joyous occasions, since that was the only time you were "allowed" to see him I bet they were fun and you shinned with the qualities of being a great day. I think it is easy to be a great day twice a month, what about all year? Every day? Even during this time you got to spend limited time with him, from 9am - 6pm on Saturday and Sunday, once maybe twice a month. To me this hardly stacks up as quality time with your child or being a great dad. I begged for you to stay. Why did you keep leaving?

Is being a great dad never attending a single doctors appointment? Or never even meeting the individual your child is staying with 8-9 hours a day while your wife works and you're still states away? Or how about finding the school that your child will attend? To me it would seem as though you didn't really care if your child had any help problems, which he did and a lot of them. Or did you even care who was taking care of your child while you were away? I wanted you to share in these mundane moments, the moments most fathers are there for. Most fathers care about.

Is being a great dad standing face to face with the woman who has held your house together while you chose to run on more than one occasion, who gave birth to your child, and telling her that your commitment to your father is more important than any commitment you made to her as husband and your child as father? I think not. I think a great father would have stopped outside commitments to commit to his wife and child, no matter what it took.

I will say it until I am blue in the face, I have no doubt that he loved Jacob with his whole heart and that one day they would have been the best of friends. I also think he had the potential to be a great father, it was just going to take getting his priorities in line. And unfortunately, I will believe all the days of life, after that last phone call that he had finally figured it out. Just wish I could have seen it all come to life.