I wonder, who you'd be today.

March 19th.

Another day my heart hurts. Another day of tears. Another day to remember you, and know you are no longer here.

Today you turn, 30.

I met you when you were 23. You were young, full of life, and carefree. You left this Earth at 27. Still young, still full of life, and still carefree.

I wonder who you'd be today. I wonder if you would still be young, full of life, and carefree? I wonder if you would have accomplished any more of your dreams? Would you have become the man you always thought you would be? Would you have been on anymore deployments, or would that journey have ended? Would you have finally finished college? What would your relationship with Jacob be like? What would our relationship look like?  I wonder who you'd be today.

I never realized how hard this day would be. In the last 2 years it hasn't been as hard as it is this year. Maybe because this year is a milestone birthday? Maybe because you have been heavy on my heart the last few weeks? Maybe because it's just one of those "seasons"? Whatever the reason, it hurts.

I know your celebration in heaven is far greater than any celebration you would ever have here. I know you and your grandfather and causing pure chaos today for the big man, try not to set anything on fire and stay out of trouble.

With Jacob's birthday in just 6 short days, it breaks my heart that the two of you can't celebrate your days together. It hurts knowing that your family has enjoyed the last 2 and soon to be 3 of Jacob's birthdays and you haven't been here for any of them. Just not fair. Stay close this week, celebrate with us.

I will never forget the first birthday of yours that we celebrated together. We had only been dating a few short months. We had watched "Finding Nemo" a few nights before and we quickly became known as "Squishy and Squish". The day before your birthday I had went to pick you up a card, the Nemo DVD (partly as a joke), and a few other things you wanted for your birthday. Bullets, Twizzlers, and a huge display of blue cupcakes with a giant Nemo in the middle, all the essentials for a 24 year old.I had them laid out on my bar in my apartment and the next day after class when you came over we got a good laugh, and enjoyed a few cupcakes before going to dinner. From then on you were my Squishy, I thought you would always be mine. I never thought life would have been taken from you so fast. I never thought 6 short years later, I would be celebrating your life without you.

You may be physically gone, but your memories will forever live on. Tonight my family is going to dinner to celebrate your life. I am sure there will be a few tears shed and a few laughs shared. Stories will be bountiful and memories will be plenty.

Walk with me the rest of the week, stay close, celebrate with us.

I will always wonder, who you'd be today.

Happy 30th birthday, Squishy.
I Love you still, always have, always will.
XOXO
Squish