Praying. Praying for the right direction in all of this.
I am lucky enough to say that I know my family through and through. I mean I really know them. I know how they respond to almost any situation; good, bad, happy, sad or indifferent. That in its self gives me great comfort. Knowing that my family is truely 100% happy for me as long as I am happy is a great feeling. Knowing that they are proud of me and would never tell me they are disappointed in me for any decision that I make, especially when it comes to my own happiness is, priceless. It fills my heart with such joy to know my family's true colors.
They say that a person's true colors shine during weddings and funerals and boy, let me just tell you how that is so true. I have been on both sides of this spectrum and it is quite daunting. I have been through the excitement of a big fairy tale wedding only to have to deal with those that wanted to over step their boundaries and make it all about them. (This is in fact, why I never wanted to go down this road again.) I have also been through hell on Earth, loosing someone I loved more than even he knew, in a tragic accident and then having to go through the emotional hell of dealing with what and who was left behind for me to face alone. I prayed that I wouldn't ever have to deal with either again. Unfortunately, God is sending me yet another test, a test I thought I could handle with grace and now, I feel like I am failing. Miserably.
Dealing with people in both situations is almost more than bareable, especially if their true, dark, unpleasant colors are shining brighter than the more pleasant colors they led you to believe they were all about. It is hard enough in any situation to make sure you make not only yourself happy but those around you that mean the world to you happy too. Unfortunately you can't make everyone happy and there will always be a judge to tell you what you "should" do and how they feel about it, what they feel is "right", etc. You can never please everyone, so when does enough become enough, and when do you feel like you can't continue to fight the battle any longer?
We are there. We have fought this battle longer than we have cared to fight it and we are not living this dreaded, point the finger, blame game, lifestyle any longer. It is draining us both physically and emotionally and making both of us loose sight of what is important to us.
Jay and I laid out the foundations of our relationship from the very beginning. He knew what I had been through and he never wanted me to go through that again. When we first talked about marriage, we knew exactly what we wanted to do. We did not want the big, fancy, fairytale wedding. We did not want to get married in a Catholic church. We did not want a bunch of people there. We knew that at the end of the day all that mattered to either of us was that the two of us were there, togehter, celebrating the day the way that we wanted. Now, we are getting close to embarking on this journey only to be juggling what we want with the wants of others yet again.
We have decided that we will get legally married in our home by our minister on Valentine's Day in the company of our parents, and our parents only. Then we are going to Antigua in October to have the beach ceremony that we wanted to have from day one. Just the two of us. And return to a recpetion with our family and friends here in Dallas.
Since we have announced this is what we are doing, the true colors are pouring like rain. The darkest storm and the sharpest rain that has ever poured out. Jay and I are miserable. He thought he knew his family's true colors, only to be left disappointed that the one thing he promised me would never happen has been happening since shortly after day one.
I keep catching the blame, the finger pointing, the "Ashley has done this before", it's all Ashley's fault!
Of course it is, why would anyone think this is what Jay wants?
I don't want to fight. I don't want my life to be consumed with this mindless battle of emotions and making everyone else happy. I can't make you happy if I am not happy and at this point, my mind is just not in it anymore.
So let your true colors shine bright, but you won't ruin my day.
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