it just hurts my HEART.

Do you ever have those days, where your heart just hearts? I do. I did. Yesterday.

Yesterday my heart hurt & it was heavy. Heavy with sadness.

First, my baby has been sick since Saturday and just can't shake whatever bug he has picked up. So we spent the day at home. It always makes me sad when he is sick and there is nothing I can do to help him, but love on him and comfort him. If I could take it all away I would. I think this is part of my mommy jobs. I think I can heal him, even when I can't. I usually cry when he is sick, especially when he just lays there and sleeps all day with this burning fever and I know he is miserable. It just hurts my HEART.

Yesterday was March 19th, and a day that will always make me sad, even if my baby is well. It is Travis' birthday. Yesterday he turned 28 and celebrated his 2nd birthday as an angel. I still cannot believe he is gone and it definitely hasn't felt like 2 years since he left. It still feels like yesterday. Some times I still feel like I am living inside a nightmare and that he will come knocking on my door at any time. I guess part of that is wishful thinking for Jacob and part of that is hope for closure. Even though I got to hold Travis' hand the day of his "viewing" and talk to him with my family surrounding me, something that no one else got to do and I will forever cherish, I still need closure. I still need to know that he really is gone, because some days I just want to wake up for this horrible nightmare. I just wish he could see Jacob now. I just wish Jacob knew him more, that they got to bond more. It just hurts my HEART.

Not only was my baby sick and it was Travis' birthday but my precious Big Mama passed away. My Big Mama is my great aunt. She was precious, hard working, and lived a life that most won't. I remember just a couple of years ago she was still waitressing at the local Cafe. Who could say they could do that in their late 70's early 80's? Not many. Not many could keep up with her. Until recently when all of a sudden her body just quit. It was tired, she was tired, she was ready. We however, were not ready. None of us. It's never easy, no matter how young or old they are. You still love them, they are still family, and now they are gone. I find comfort in knowing that she went very peacefully with a full belly. She had went to physical therapy yesterday morning, came back to have lunch, and then laid down for a nap. When the nurse came to give her the usual afternoon medications, she was gone. She just closed her eyes and went on home, to be with her brothers and sisters, and the good Lord. Her time here on Earth, is over. She was my brothers biggest fan. She never missed a single baseball game, ever. Even when she was sick, she was there. Yelling at the umps and cheering him on one base at a time, one bat at a time, one pitch at time. I worry about him, as he is not taking this well at all. I also worry about my granny. Big Mama was like the last person my granny had, she took care of her, drove her everywhere, made sure she went to the doctor, hospital, etc. Anywhere granny was big was sure to be in tow. It makes my heart really sad that she is gone. It just hurts my HEART.

Yesterday was one of those awful, no good, very bad days; but I trust in the Lord and His plan. I know there is a reason for this heaviness and this heartache. I know that He is creating a kingdom for us with those we love while we create a world that knows Him.  Even though I trust in this great plan, and I know that everything happens for a reason......

it just hurts my HEART.