What would have been 5 years.

 July 7th, was another day of tears and feelings of unsettled grief.

It marked what would have been the 5 year anniversary of the day that Travis and I said "I do".

Oh what a day that was. Looking back over pictures and thinking about how happy we were in that moment made my heart hurt, that much more. Not only do I hurt because he is not physically here but because the pain of how broken things were when he left.

My hurt will always hurt for this reason.

The pictures tell such a different story than what reality told. The memories of the happier times tend to be out showed by the memories of the not-so-happy times. The hurt, the pain, the frustration, the anger. It.all.hurts.

I often sit in silence and wonder "what in the world could have gone so wrong."  We were THAT couple. The couple that every single one of our friends loved and envied. We were the happy couple that made every one sick. We were us, two loving, caring people joined by love and united by vows. Yet, those vows didn't stand strong. Our love was broken by some unforeseen force. Our hearts were broken. Our marriage was crushed by outside influence, by "family".

How did we let it get that way? What could it have been 5 years later?

I will never know. I will never know because God took you from us far too soon. You had a lot of life left in you, but for His reasons he needed you far more than we did. I just wish I could sit and talk to you one last time.

Instead....I'll sit at your headstone and talk through the tears and wonder what could have be on this 5 year anniversary.

I can honestly say that my heart will never heal from this and I am grateful that I am now re-married and have my happily ever after, however I am most grateful that he understands that I am broken. That I may always be broken. That my heart is just not what it once was. We share a bond over this subject that most wouldn't begin to understand. And I hope that many never have to.