You Showed Up....

...in my dreams last night.

You brought with you all the things that I really wish I could have for Jacob now. You were trying to give them to me. All the things that I have been asking your dad for, but he will not give me. All the things that mean something so near and dear to my heart. For a moment I thought it was a sign, but then I woke up and reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I will never have those things for Jacob ever again. It all sinks in.

You were back, you were in my house, you were holding my hand and telling me how much you wanted to be back with Jacob and I. Today, I am hurting because you aren't really here. You really aren't holding my hand. You really aren't back with us.

It's unfair. It hurts. It seems like I am still in some sort of fog.

Oh Travis, I knew your heart from the inside out. I knew your wishes and your dreams. I knew what you truly wanted. I just wish everyone else did, too.

So many of your friends that really knew your heart have tried to comfort me on this new journey of life without you, but as we near the 3 year mark, the pain is still so sharp. I thank God everyday for the Pendleton's and their ability to always make it better. I am thankful you were so close to Michael and he knew your heart too. I am thankful that Casey will just cry with me, even in the middle of the day when she is chasing around 2 babies. She wears a cape of her own, I think she is superwoman. On days like today, I wish they lived closer.

Today I sat in a conference room at work, with tear filled eyes, watching a flag waving in the breeze. I knew it was you. Every time I see a flag, I see you. I saw a Marine in his blues the other day, I swore it was you. I miss that uniform so much. I miss the smell of dirty cammies once a month. I miss you walking through the house naked, even in front glass doors and windows just to make me laugh. I miss your love, the love you had to give when we first started dating. The uninfluenced love you gave with your whole heart. I am glad I have those memories. I need them today.

Your memories burn in my heart and your smile shines bright in my dreams. Even on my weakest days, I know you are still here. I see you in Jacob. He is every bit of your son. I just know you two would have a blast. More fun than I would be able to afford, but I would pay that debt to have you back.

You are gone, but yet so alive. Your spirit is strong as the holidays are near. I am sure this is not the last of the hard days to come, but today I will cherish all that is left, for I know I will see you again.

Until I see you again, wherever it may be, fly high, smile bright, and keep showing up in my dreams.

Love you still, always have, always will.....