Mommy Fears

As a mother, you fear. You fear often, and most of the time, your fears are of your children's safety and well being.

I have never truly feared my son going to school. Until now. The shooting in Newtown, CT last Friday sent a fear through my body that I cannot explain. I am terrified of sending my child to preschool now and I praise God that we were able to find him someone that will keep him at our home. His last day of school is this Friday and it couldn't get here fast enough.

I know this is not the first school shooting and in fact schools aren't the only places for mass shootings like this. But, something about 20 sweet babies ranging in age from 6-7 with multiple gunshot wounds while simply sitting in their first grade classroom just scares me. Makes me sick. I cannot fathom how anyone could be sick enough to look these precious kids in the face and take their innocent lives from them.

Friday night I, along with every other mother in the US, held my baby a little tighter, he got away with a little more over the weekend, he didn't leave my sight for a minute, he got a few more kisses and a few more prayers.  This morning sending him to school was a little bit harder and many tears were shed as I pulled away from that school building. I have prayed many times today already for God to hear our cries, to protect our children. This is nothing new in our house, as I pray for my child daily, I hug him and kiss him, and tell him I love him multiple times a day. I also hate leaving him at school daily but I have to work, I don't have the luxury of staying home. Just the thought of that being the last time those parents saw their children on Friday, I found myself lingering outside the door a little longer.

I pray for our nation to not use this a political rally against guns but to understand that people are killing people. It doesn't matter the weapon, sick people will not abide by gun laws or any other law for that matter. This man was clearly sick and hurting. He didn't care that what he was doing was wrong, he was on a mission to take as many lives as he could, before taking his own. At the same time this was happening a man in China was taking the lives for 24 children while stabbing them to death. Does this mean we are going to start a rally to ban kitchen knives as well?!

The plain and simple realization of this is that there are people that are sick. They are hurting. They need help. Unfortunately, with the lack of funding for mental health facilities and maxium security prisons, something to this magnitude has to happen before the criminally insane get help. And often it's too late. All we can do is pray for those that are sick and hurting. Banning guns is not going to change anything, it might actually make things worse. We need more funding and help for those who suffer from mental illnesses. If you have not read the article "I am Adam Lanza's Mother", I encourage you to do so.

I hate that people cannot simply post of Facebook how heart broken they are over this without negativity closely following. 90% of my news feed the last 4 days has been mostly mothers, myself included, posting about how heart broken they are over this event. Then you have the other 10% that seems to have no soul at all and post things like "this event shouldn't cause you to think about those that mean the most to you" and "this has been happening for decades, why all the attention now".

I agree that there is no difference, no matter where it happens or what age group is affected. I personally have seen the same outpouring of emotion and attention each time it has happened. People have feared sending their children back to high school, movie theatres, mass crowds, college campuses, etc. after all of these events. But, then I think that reality sits in and we all realize that it will/can happen anywhere. I also think the media always does a poor job of covering such events, but then again, how exactly do you cover these events with the right tact?! I think most mothers and fathers would agree that they hold their babies tight every night and tell them they love them multiple times a day, or at least they should. I just think when these types of events happen it makes us more aware of the evil in the world and as a mother it makes my fears for my child's safety a little more heightened.

I agree that nothing will change until one takes responsibility for oneself, but I also think that is a gray line for those who are struggling mentally or just plain sick. I don't think any of us who are not in those mentally unstable shoes can attest to what may have been going through his mind. I studied human behavior for 5 years and have a degree in Psychology, and I still couldn't fathom what is so wrong with these individuals. I too find it hard to believe that someone didn't notice that he needed help, he needed a little more love, he needed attention in some way.

 I am a mother and I do hug my child, my husband, family, friends, etc. every chance I get and there is not a single person that doesn't know how much they mean to me. This event didn't make me realize how much my child meant to me. But it did validate just a little more how much evil and cruelty is in this world and how easy life can be taken from any of us. Not that I didn't already know that, I did loose my child's father very unexpectedly so I do realize how fragile life is! 

But as a mother with a heart, I am heart broken for the families that are waking up to burry their children today, that are looking at wrapped Christmas presents for those babies they have lost, that are no longer able to just wrap their arms around their children and tell them how much they love them. It doesn't matter how many times you have done it before, when they are gone you still long for the chance to do it just one more time.

It doesn't take an event like this strip us from our loved ones, it can happen anywhere, at any time. Everyone should hug the ones they love and make sure that they know it each and every day, tomorrow is no guarantee!