This new season.

I have come to realize that life never settles down. That it is filled with always changing seasons. When you start to settle, another season comes. This is a new season.

I am overwhelmed with emotions, physical and emotional exhaustion.

So much to be grateful for, blessed I am.

Yet, my heart hurts and my days are filled with worry, stress, and doubt. All things God tells us not to do. We are suppose to lean not on our own understanding but on Him. 

This new season is hard. Nothing I can't handle, and I have been dealt with a little worse, but this season is hard, nonetheless.

How could someone so strong, be so weak? How could someone that took care of so many, now need so many to care for her? How could someone who could run circles around most 4 year olds, now barely walk?

This new season is hard.

My sweet nanny is one of a kind. She has endured a life that most couldn't. She is the most humble, hard working person I know. She is a precious soul and she holds my heart in the palm of her hand.

She has become tired, she is weak, and her body is filled with an obstacle course of conditions that leave us praying for another day. We know in our hearts that we must put our faith first and we must not doubt our Gods plan, but this new season is hard. 

Simple tasks such as eating, sleeping, and just breathing; things most of us take for granted, have become a struggle. She is started to feel trapped in her own home and frustrated that she can't do anything for herself. With this frustration comes a great deal of pain. Pain in all of our hearts, the longing for our sweet nanny to be able to do all those things she once did. Including picking switches from the cedar trees to whip us with. 

Between the chemo treatments, the battle for more oxygen in her body, and the unforgiving pain; there are moments of laughter. Those moments to be cherished for the days ahead. Many memories have been shared and many talks have been had. None greater than this time with her. 

This new season is hard. 

I love you, nanny. With every fiber of my being. I pray for you daily. I pray for our family to get through this time. I pray for my mother, as the pain this causes her is undefinable. I pray for comfort and many more days with you. I just pray for you. 

This new season is hard.