Is it hard for you to have faith in people? Having faith in another is letting go of your guard and allowing them to show you the faith they have for you in return.
July 7, 2007 Wedding Day, I walked down an aisle that changed my life forever. Three short years later, July 7, 2010, I walked through a cemetery to that very same man. It was quite possibly the hardest day I have faced yet. Seeing his name on that grave marker was a serious reality check. It was absolutely breath taking, planes were flying over, flags were blowing in the breeze...I was left sitting in chills. I sat there praying over and over and I found myself still asking "What happened?". Unfortunately I have come to the realization that I will never really know. The hardest part was watching Jacob run around and play like the innocent, clueless child that he is, completely unaware that he was there to visit his dad. Heart wrenching, and I have to relive this daily as I see his sweet face and as he gets older and I have to answer all those questions. I am grateful that Kim and Jay were there with me. I could not have done that alone....I am not alone in this journey.
I often also ask myself how in the world I got so lucky? Why did God send me such a diamond in the rough? I am at my weakest emotionally, financially, and spiritually. Jay has been on a wild roller coaster with us and he just seems to be tightening the seat belt and holding on a little tighter with each bump. He has said countless times that he is here, 110% for me and Jacob and nothing will break him, us, and he WILL NOT give up. My life now and in the coming days is going to be such a challenge, not only for me and Jacob but for Jay too. I have to face a serious battle of what I believe is right, I have to get through some emotional strife, I have to get back on my feet financially (come on September!!), and I have to reconnect with my God. The battle for what I believe is right is by far going to be the hardest challenge and I am not ready for it. I just keep praying about it and asking God to give me the strength to get through it with grace. The emotional strife is going to be a work in progress, and who knows how long that will take. I just have to face that challenge day by day as it comes to play. Financially, I am not in a "bad" spot, I just have to readjust my thinking for now I am the sole provider of my son and I want him to have the best of the best. I have agreed to let my dad do a "money makeover" with me starting in September and I am actually looking forward to it. I just keep telling myself if I can get myself in a great situation and on a great budget now, it will make whats coming in the future that much better for all of us. I have already started to journey to reconnect with my God and it has blessed me beyond measure. Oh praise and glory be to Him for this amazing life he has started for me all over again...I prayed and He answered...Psalm 40:1-3
I have the most amazing support group anyone could ever ask for. My friends are some of life's greatest joys, my family is unbelievably strong, and Jay is my rock. They have all supported me through some of the hardest things I have had to face and continue to be my knights in shinning armor. I will get through this weakness because when I am at my weakest, God is at his strongest.....just have a little faith in me.
We haven't heard from my brother in a few days and I really miss him. We finally got an address for him and I wrote him my first letter today. I hope that he is still enjoying it and not getting "smoked" too hard. He was in such high spirits after his first week. Every time he called it sounded like he was at a huge frat party just living the life! I bet that frat party has been put on hold for the past couple of weeks and they aren't quite as lively as they were, poor fella. I can't wait for him to get back and tell us all the crazy stories, I am so proud of him.
Jay and I are growing in faith daily together and I couldn't be happier. We started the Love Dare and today is Day 10. The journey has been filling so far and really makes you think. It puts your relationship with each other and your relationship with God into great perspective. I highly recommend the journey for all couples. Jay is a man of many strengths. He has taught me a lot the last couple of months. He is sentimental and caring, sensitive but strong all at the same time. I am in love with this blessing and so grateful to God for it each day. I have friends that have been brought to tears hearing stories of us, seeing pictures of the three of us, and knowing the happiness written across my face and through my voice. These friends have been through some pretty tough times with me and they are so thankful that I have finally found a man, a real man, one that makes me happy, makes me laugh, fills my heart with love and laughter, loves my son, loves me, has a strong happy family, comes from a faith driven life, and puts me on the pedestal Cinderella could only dream about. "One shoe can change your life...."
So have a little faith in me as I slip on this new shoe and live the life God has blessed me with....
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