i miss you the most, right now

I can't say why, or what sparked this ongoing, month long thought about you. Maybe it started when I started re-doing Jake's room and your pictures are everywhere. Or, maybe its just the holidays and how excited I know you would be are. I feel like your presence is really heavy right now. I can hear you every where, when I close my eyes you are there, I have even felt your touch lately...something I thought was gone forever. 

Why no? Why are you showing your face now? Its been almost 2 years since you were taken from 2 years since we separated, 2 years since our world was turned upside down. Why do I miss you the most, right now?

I see you in Jacob more and more everyday. With every giggle, every smile, every action, EVERYTHING. He is truly "your" child. I hope he has your spirit as he gets older. I hope he loves life as much as you did. I hope he carries that contagious smile forever. I hope his heart is as big as yours always was. I hope he makes you proud.

Not that you are not heavy on my heart all the time, but you are really heavy on my heart now. I miss you, Travis. Not that our last days together were the happiest of days, but there are days now that I wish even for those really bad days. I wish I could pick up the phone, I wish you were knocking on my door every other weekend, I wish you could just hold Jake .....one more time.

Maybe it's time for me to dust myself off and make that ever so painful trip to the cemetery to see you again. My heart is already hurting just thinking about it. This time of year is so pretty out there. All the wreaths, and flowers, and Christmas decor they do for you all. It really is a beautiful, peace, place. I just would rather not have to visit you there. I would rather visit you.....at home, our home, your home, any home. Perhaps for now, you are home and I will get there one day.

Happy Holidays Travis!
I miss you & love you, still.